Without taking sides or trying to figure out who was right or wrong, one can look at this drama as an interesting caricature of conflict that many people experience—especially middle and high school students. Emotions of onlookers are raging and it is likely that fans are projecting their own emotional pain from conflict onto the situation. For many, the pain bullying causes turns into a deep hurt or insecurity which can last for a lifetime. Bullying is unwarranted and is always unnecessary. We’ve all experienced conflict, the question is: how should we navigate it?

Conflict: What is It?
According to James 4:1-2,¹ conflict is the result of unmet desire. You cannot have what you want and that results in conflict. The question isn’t: What will I do if I encounter conflict? The question is: What will I do when I encounter conflict? Working toward peace is not a natural response to conflict. Researchers have found that conflict responses typically fall into one of two categories: escape or attack.²

People who tend toward the escape response run away from a problem or deny that it exists. Escapers are focused on feeling better, no matter the cost, claiming that they just cannot handle conflict.³ Oftentimes they will search for common ground with their opposers and if that does not end the dispute, they leave. The problem with this response is it neglects dealing with harmful situations. Neglect accelerates the damage that a conflict can cause when conflict goes unaddressed and it causes greater rifts in relationships. Sometimes the escape response is wrongly identified as “harmonious” or “peacekeeping,” but that is not true. Escape responses pretend everything is fine in the middle of disaster. Pretending that there is peace is not real peace. Neglecting conflict is wrong.

People who tend toward attack responses are more concerned with winning a fight than preserving a relationship.⁴ Conflict is an opportunity to assert dominance and control others. These people use force and pressure to eliminate opposition and achieve a sense of accomplishment or victory. People move to this response in one of two ways: either they jump straight into aggressive behavior—like verbal assault, intimidation, or manipulation—or they attempt to escape the conflict only becoming aggressive when they cannot escape anymore. Aggression like this can be veiled in sarcasm or humor like, “I’m just kidding,” when we all know they weren’t just kidding. Bullying is an attack response motivated by the desire to assert dominance or control the situation, but it can also be a result of feeling weak, fearful, insecure, and vulnerable.⁵ Attack responses are willing to sacrifice relationships to achieve a certain outcome. Attacking others while in conflict is wrong.

Working for Peace
Understanding your default response to conflict and understanding other common response patterns can help us know what not to do. Ignoring disputes will not lead to peace, neither will attacking others. As Christians, we are given a radical command by God: pursue peace (Romans 12:18). Peace may seem impossible in your worst hurt, but the Bible lays out a vision for communities of peace that we all long for. Christians are commanded to love their enemies; they can do this because, before becoming Christians we were enemies of God, Jesus died to bring peace and reconcile his relationship with humanity (1 John 3:16; Matthew 5:23-24).⁶ If you are a Christian, you can take the initiative to resolve conflict—while you were still in sin and pushing God away, he pursued you (Romans 5:8; Matthew 5:23-24, 18:15).⁷ You can admit fault—Jesus sees your sins and he takes them upon himself so that you can be forgiven and stop hiding your sins (1 John 1:8-9).⁸ You can make conflict an opportunity to witness to others about the restored relationship that everyone can have with God—in the middle of brokenness and conflict with God, Jesus bought you with his blood (2 Corinthians 5:15-21).⁹ It is your relationship with Christ that makes pursuing peace possible. Let’s just be honest, making peace with an enemy doesn’t seem like a blessing, yet God says, “blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Second Corinthians 13:11-14 admonishes Christians to “aim for restoration.” In our toughest conflicts we need to aim for our relationships to be restored to peace. Relationships do not need to look the same as they did before a conflict, sometimes trust needs to be rebuilt or different boundaries need to be established, but we do need to pursue forgiveness and peace.

If this seems too difficult, the power to try to reach this restoration lies in the next section of 2 Corinthians 13:11-14: “The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” All the grace that you could ever need to show someone else is found in Jesus Christ; all the love you need for restoration is found in the Father; and all authentic fellowship is found in the Holy Spirit. If you are a Christian, you don’t need to muster up enough grace or love for someone to experience restored relationships—you already have both. God gives you all the love and grace that you could ever need to pursue authentic relationships—that is, if the other party also wants restoration. Nevertheless, we need to put this love, grace, and relationship to work, actively pushing back on our sinful conflict responses.

Practical Steps for Resolving Conflict
Out of the overflow of love and grace that God gives you, there are a few practical steps to showing love and grace to others in order to experience authentic fellowship:

1. Glorify God—Focusing on how you can please God in conflict brings perspective. You can trust him. You can obey his commands. You can look to Jesus as an example for what to do in conflict.¹⁰
2. Get the log out of your own eye—Take an honest look at your part of the conflict. We usually try to blame others for our problems, not learning to state our faults clearly and absolutely.¹¹ When apologizing, address everyone involved, avoid making excuses, admit specifically what you did wrong, acknowledge the hurt it could have caused, accept the natural consequences, alter your behavior accordingly, and ask for forgiveness (Proverbs 28:13).¹²
3. Gently engage—There are times when we need to address the fault of others (Galatians 6:1; Matthew 18:14-16). This can be one of the toughest things we can ever do, especially when we realize some of the things that we did wrong. When someone has something against you—even if you don’t think you did anything wrong—you should take the first step in seeking peace.¹³ When others hurt you, you need to gently let them know. Gently is the key here, regardless of their response, you need to engage them gently and humbly.
4. Go and be reconciled—Be generous with forgiveness and decide what a reasonable—and safe—solution would be to the problem.¹⁴ Forgiveness is not a feeling, it’s not forgetting, and it’s not an excuse for poor behavior. Forgiveness is “a radical decision not to hold an offense against the offender.”¹⁵ Forgiveness is costly because pain and brokenness cause damage. Choosing to forgive is no small thing. Not only does it bring freedom to the offender, but it also frees the offended (Matthew 6:12).

Take some time to consider how these suggestions could apply to an area of conflict in your life, and make an intentional choice to pursue peace. Conflict is painful, it is difficult and if you are like most people, you’re probably just tired of fighting. No matter what others do, you can always be ready to make peace.

Prayer for Peace (St. Francis of Assisi)

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.¹⁶